An Inspiration

“You inspire me every day!”

What does it mean to be an inspiration? 

Am I an inspiration because I am still here? 

Am I an inspiration because I'm not crying today? 

Am I an inspiration because I got out of bed?

"You are so strong, I don't know how you do it!"

I wasn't given a choice.

I am the example that people use to incite themselves

I am the example that people give to remind themselves that it "could be worse" 

"Be grateful that you are happy and healthy"

I am neither.

I'm not an inspiration when I take my drugs four times a day,

I'm not an inspiration if you can see my pain,

I stop being inspiring when the weight of this life finally breaks me down,

when I'm sobbing, screaming, praying for it to stop 

Am I an inspiration when I am quiet?  

Am I an inspiration because I'm supposed to be?

Am I an inspiration because when I put on makeup and a nice outfit and cover up the bruises and scars and things that help me stay alive, I can still be pretty?

are you inspired yet?

If I'm an inspiration why didn't my doctors get that memo?

Does crazy translate to inspiration?

Does sickness translate to inspiration? 

Is the way I have to prove I deserve to exist an inspiration? 

What about the fact that I have to spend every waking minute taking care of a body that does not know how to be one? 

are you inspired yet?

My packed bag longs for the sound of sirens, as my crutches do for bad days

Being inspiring is expensive.

Is dependency inspirational? 

My lack of contribution inspirational? 

is being a burden inspirational? 

How about watching a friend die? 

Knowing that what killed them will be the thing to kill you? 

are you inspired yet? 

Perhaps I'm an inspiration because if you were in my shoes you would have offed yourself a long time ago?

If I were really an inspiration I would be rewarded.

If I were really an inspiration someone would care.

If I were inspirational… you would listen.