Red String

It's stupid that I spend so much time thinking about you.

I often find that my mind wanders,

and when it walks off it always seems to find its way to you.

I could try and stop it,

but I don't have the energy for that anymore.

To begin with, I was angry.

I was angry at you,

but also at me,

and every circumstance that lead us to where we are now.

I remember,

you once told me story about red string.

You said, that the string could stretch and tangle,

but never break.

You said that we had red string

holding us together.

That even if it tangled,

we were still attatched.

But that's not true, is it?

It hasnt tangled.

It broke,

because you cut it.

They never mentioned that in the story.

They never even considered, that someone,

could simply reach for something sharp,

and cut that cord.

I never thought about that either.

But then,

then I was just sad,

and alone.

It felt like heartbreak.

(I think)

I imagine,

losing a partner that you have been with for a very long time,

and that you loved dearly,

would feel the same.

When I heard your name my heart would clench,

or if I was reminded of your existence in any way.

I like to pretend I have

forgotten and

forgiven.

But I haven't.

I also like to pretend,

that I have

accepted and

moved on.

But I haven't.

You are everywhere I look.

I think about you every day.

I wonder,

sometimes,

if you think of me.

Do you see me when you watch those films,

or hear those songs?

Do you see me in books?

Do you see me at all?

When I see old pictures,

and new pictures,

I think I am angry.

It would be easier,

to be angry.

But I am not angry.

I am sad.

I'm so very very sad.

I miss you so much.

Have I said that yet?

I miss you so much.

That piece of my heart is locked.

There is no one that holds the key.

No one will ever get inside.

Because I can't lose anyone else,

the way I lost you.

So slowly and so quickly,

all at once.

It might actually,

tear me apart.

No,

not 'might',

it has,

already.